Fat Club has been a fixture on the Ramsey social scene since Adam hesitated when Eve asked him if her bum looked big. That is, until last year when the classes suddenly stopped, and Ramsey women, of the ‘prone to horizontal expansion’ variety, were left to their own devices. As the pounds went on, the sweatpants came out, first around the house, then in the supermarket and then everywhere, until town was run amok with sweatpants.
Then, in late December, news spread that a new Fat Club would be starting on the 10th January. It was perfect timing, allowing for guilt-free gorging over the holidays and a couple of weeks grace and additional stuffing of all those things one would soon be denied.
Everyone has a ‘last hoorah’ before going on a diet; for some it’s chocolate, for others, chips, for me, it’s cream cakes. I can’t get enough of them. If I was stuck on a deserted island and all I had with me was the complete works of John Steinbeck and a steady supply of cream cakes, I would be quite happy.
So, for my last week of freedom, I bought this big box of cream cakes. I am pleased to say that I didn’t eat all of them. I decided to throw the last two away (though not before I licked the cream out of one of them), to show the fat fairies I was serious about my forthcoming diet
Now, where you find one fatty, you usually find a whole bunch; that’s because skinny people are annoying, and fatties don’t like hanging out with them, so they hang out with each other instead. This creates a conundrum: it’s not very comfortable being fat, but if you become skinny, you might feel comfortable, but you will be annoying and will have no friends. The best remedy is for you and your fat friends to become skinny together; no one else will like you, but that’s ok, because you’ll have each other.
In possession of such flawless logic, my friends and I decided to join the forthcoming Ramsey Fat Club together. The friends in question are Daisy, Maisy and Mabel (not their real names, to prevent future skinny shaming).
Daisy is a second-timer to Fat Club, having first joined a couple of years ago. She did so well, we started to think of her as our little friend Daisy. During the Ramsey Fat Club hiatus, however, Daisy fell off the wagon and into the Chippy, so she’s back.
Maisy is our honorary fat friend; she is not actually fat, but we let her think she is, so she’ll come to Fat Club too, as its great when we all do things together.
Mabel brought pork pies to our first weight-in last week, making me feel less bad about my box of cream cakes. Mabel is getting married next year, so she’s determined to get in shape. She blames me entirely for her extra weight, saying that it all went downhill for her when she visited me in Australia…15 YEARS AGO!!! The fact that she has had two children since then and has a penchant for pork pies, is apparently irrelevant.
Then there’s me. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been – except for the time I was fatter. Plus, I can’t do my coat up, and it’s freezing here!
So, the four of us dutifully turned up for our first Fat Club last week – as did the rest of the sweatpant-wearing townswomen! We had a wonderful time catching up – which we had plenty of time to do, due to the amount of people there.
Getting weighed was ok, except for the fact that I am even fatter than I thought I was. Still, it motivated me to go to the gym with Mabel the next day. We had a great time and even managed to get some exercise in while we chatted.
The first week has gone well so far. I’ve woken up feeling grumpy every morning and wondering if I have joined a cult; but as each day has progressed, I haven’t felt hungry at all, and have stuck to the diet religiously.
And, knock me down with a feather, we just had our second weigh-in, and, after one week of dieting, I have lost a whopping 6.5lbs. Either I have a tapeworm, or it is true what they say about a low-carb/high-protein diet, that is causes a process called ketosis to occur, which is a natural diuretic; and, being a bit of a water-retaining puff-ball, such a loss may not be unreasonable.
The girls did brilliantly too: Daisy lost 2lbs, Maisy 2.5lbs, and Mabel 2.5lbs. This is exciting news, for as soon as we have all achieved a 5% weight loss, we are going to celebrate with Champaign and Fish & Chips.